Tag Archives: Randomness

This Post Is Like a Britney Spears Song: Incoherent And Rambling (Day 29)

Time to pack away the turkey roasters and pumpkins and, if you’re like my family, pull out the 578 bins of Christmas decorations: December is upon us. Ah, December: that month-long foray into complete mayhem consisting of parties, parties and more parties; family gatherings with crazy Aunt Bess who won’t stop asking when you’re *finally* going to settle down; more shopping than you can possibly accomplish in a mere 30 days; and more eating and drinking than any human being should ever attempt. I’m already booked for the next two weeks solid at which time I’ll pack my suitcase once again and head to my most favourite city in the entire  universe, New York City, to celebrate my birthday. I’ll be a mad woman traversing the burrough, squeezing in shopping, eating excellent edible material, traipsing the Met, and dancing around to a musical or three (Hair and Next to Normal, here I come!).

Post NYC, I’ll unpack and repack once again to head to Houston for the holidays about which I am quite excited, because nothing says “holidays” like cranking up the A/C on Christmas morning. 😉 Jokes.

Before I take off on my jaunts, though, I’m doing some cool things in T.O. this week that I’ll try to recap when I have a free moment, by which I mean during the six hours a night I should be sleeping. All I can say is thanksbeto Steve Jobs for the WordPress iPhone app. 

– seeing Thomas Keller speak and having his new Ad Hoc at Home cookbook signed
Third Tuesday Toronto to see Julien Smith speak (!)
Junior League Christmas party
– Yelp’s Elite Christmas party that’s Mad Men-themed!
– Going to a Christmas tree farm and cutting down a tree for the very first time! And getting my nog on afterwards.
– An always fabulous iYellow Wine Club event called “Happy Birthday South Africa” at Reds Wine Bar
– Company Christmas party, but, more importantly, the after party. 😉

Clearly, I need a lifestyle manager.

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Gettin’ Busy (Day 3)

Confession: I’m a washroom1 sort of girl, by which I mean that I enjoy lounging around in my soaker tub filled with seasonally-scented bubbles while reading and, preferably, while sipping a large glass of Cab Sauv. This also means that I’m a sucker for wicked cool bathrooms at wicked cool restaurants because I live a very exciting life. Anyway. Lately, I’ve noticed a trend: washrooms today seem to be quite conducive to, let’s say, gettin’ busy. Not that I’m a girl who would ever frequent a bathroom to get busy, but a girl can still make certain observations, nón? As such, I thought I’d take you on a little tour of the discriminating Toronto washrooms bringin’ sexy back.

DeluxToronto International Film Festival 08 010
Walk down a narrow, winding staircase covered in glossy black paint and bump smack dam into two über-private washrooms. The aesthetically pleasing sink fixtures seem to make for a good handle to grab onto, if you’re so inclined.

Spice Route
These washrooms are so big, they could be condos in Tokyo. Red light encourages trouble-making. One wall is a one-way window, looking out onto a garden. You never know who might see you. Or who you might want to see you.

Milestone’s at Toronto Life Square
Admittedly the oddest of the four, Barbie (but mostly Ken) dolls in acrylic boxes stare down at you as you wash your hands, or, say, as you straighten your smudged red lipstick aprés makeout session in the black tiled, and very darkly lit, stalls.

Grace
The Tiffany blue settee just outside the charmingly precious washrooms is a good spot to meet up. The light switch is about shoulder height which offers easy access for your elbow. Ahem.

 

1The Canadian way of saying restroom

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Seeking: Girl Riding Shark

The sheer magnitude of analytics available on the interweb is astounding. I guess that could be a good thing or a bad thing depending on how you look at it. Figuring out which words or phrases for which people are searching is important if your goal is to increase your readership and eventually get paid ads on your site, for example.  Or, you can do what I do: blog about the mundane things that happen in your life and hope that someone other than the people your parents paid good money to read your site1 actually read it. Ahem. 🙂

I follow a motherload of blogs and the majority of them reference their blog stats at one point or another. Until recently, I could have cared less about my stats. I knew WordPress tracked them, but I was not the girl who rushed home every day to check her stats, or even worse, refreshed my stats page on an hourly basis to find out how many more fools around the world wasted their time reading my drivel. Until recently, that is. When I finally checked things out, I had a slight moment of shock and awe. Some of the phrases for which people search are pretty effin’ hilarious, such as “snidely whiplash bondage” or “how about texas? that’s a random state”. Or, my personal favourite, and therefore post title, “girl riding shark”. I mean, seriously, if there’s some girl out there riding a shark, she is someone I am going to be required to meet. Also, let me just add that there seems to be an abnormal number of people — a plethora, I’ll say — out there searching for Dudley Do-Right. At least 15 hits per day come searching for my very brief reference to the great do-gooding Canadian mountie. Forget Google analytics and listen to what I’m telling you: blog about Dudley Do-Right and you’ll be a paid ad millionaire in no time.

Now, take a gander at some of the other phrases, and places, for which people have searched, and from whence people have come, to feast their eyes on the goodness that is A Texas Girl’s Adventures in Canada. I’d say judging from the search terms, it has been an adventure, indeed…and whoever had the “nude thai girl date” sure didn’t invite moi.

The last 25 searches that brought people to my blog:
dudley do right
snidely whiplash bondage
canadian things that start with “i”
sorting mail
funny iphone
film semi server
montreal hispanic buildings
india garbage girl
dudley doright
things that failed
poutine roll
dudley do right
au pied du cochon
dudley do right villain
texas girl’s adventures
how about texas? that’s a random state
girl riding shark
best way to soup up a f350 [snicker]
nude thai girl date
garbage monkey
dew blue
david ninjas po po
toronto outdoor adenture show photos
traditional culture in vietnam
apparently
reuters board times square
people walking down in a street and thin
garbage streets montreal
full garbage
naked bike riders
crazy people walking
tim hortons in texas [ed: uh, no]
rated pg13
texas girl canada carmen
  
The last 25 cities from whence my blog readers came:
Albuquerque, New Mexico
Atlanta, Georgia
Campinas, Sao Paulo, Brazil
Ottawa, Ontario
Woodbridge, Ontario
Pierrefonds, Quebec
Etobicoke, Ontario
Houston, Texas
Grande Prairie, Alberta
Oxford, Ohio
Göteborg, Vastra Gotaland, Sweden
Brisbane, Queensland, Australia
Kiev, Kyyivs’ka Oblast’, Ukraine
Toronto, Ontario
Fort Lauderdale, Florida
Mountain View, California
Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
Annapolis, Maryland
Amsterdam, Noord-holland, Netherlands
Los Angeles, California (by googling “restylane”, not surprisingly)
Teller, Alaska
Virginia Beach, Virginia
Dublin, Ireland
Bucharest, Bucuresti, Romania

And lastly, some good old-fashioned geek stats for the monstrous nerd in you!
2009 blog postings: 64, because I believe quality is more important than quantity (read: someone injected me with lazy)
2009 blog postings still in draft form: 46 (ditto above)
Number of blog visits to date in 2009: 16, 457
Average number of hits per day: 55
Most popular blog post: Reason #7,482 Why I Love My Province
Busiest day on my blog: Sunday, June 21, when I posted The Day I Joined the iCult
Number of blogs I follow on Google Reader: 49 (two of which are my own because I really am that narcissistic)
Number of blogs that are currently unread on my Google Reader: 367. Clearly I have some work to do.

1 I jest, of course. I have only paid one person never paid anyone to read this blog. People just seem to show up on their own. Suckas.

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This IS Rated PG-13

iPhone 009So, remember that time when I was walking down Queen Street minding my own business and, lo and behold, saw crazy people on bikes? And then that other time when I was walking down Queen Street minding my own business and saw even crazier people on bikes, but completely naked?  Well, guess what? It happened to me again!  True story. Only this time, I wasn’t walking, but was on the streetcar and I wasn’t on Queen Street, but was on Spadina *near* Queen Street. Crazy, nón? And this time, they weren’t on bicycles, but were on skateboards. And, sadly, they weren’t naked, much to my chagrin.

I had been navigating the shark-infested waters  streetcars of the Toronto Transit Corporation after a very long day of walking, shopping, and free massage-getting (i heart you, universal healthcare!), when I finally found a place to sit on the eternally-crowded, I’m-going-to-grow-out-of-clothes-waiting-for-the-g******ed 510 streetcar. I had just purchased a new mattress topper and two new pillows, and for those of you thinking “why would you buy those things knowing you had to lug them all the way home?” — I’ll tell you, I asked myself the very same question with full knowledge that I’d have to tote them all the way home from Yonge and Bloor to my house near Front and Spadina.  Those kinds of ludicrous decisions are what happen when you haven’t slept a full night in, oh, about fourteen days and are desperate — DESPERATE — to get a full night’s sleep. But I digress.

So I was squashed into my tiny seat with my two pillows and my giant bag containing the mattress topper, when I heard a bunch of cars honking theiriPhone 010 horns on the other side of the street. When I looked up, I saw about 1,000 kids crazies skateboarding up Spadina through the cars and the traffic!  For the uninitiated who have never been on Spadina near Chinatown on a Saturday, take note and heed this advice — don’t do it. You will lament the days you owned a car because your car will overheat from the sheer amount of time you sit on Spadina waiting to move just an inch. Anyway. So all these horns were honking at all these kids skateboarding up the street and I thought “ooooh, if this was in Houston, there’d be some serious back-up grabbing right now! But alas, none of the drivers looked angry; rather, they were all smiling, rolling down their windows to W00T!, and laugh at the entire incident. Well, at least they were where I was. The mo-rons driving on the other end of Spadina on a Saturday afternoon were probably grabbing their back-ups due to their anger at the traffic in which they were trapped, but I just didn’t see them.

I think it’s funny that I randomly see all of these street goings-on all the time^.  Luckily, I always, always, always have my camera with me, and, now that I’ve welcomed myself to the 21st century by joining the iCult, I also have that electronic device with which I can capture all of this Toronto street goodness, too!  I do this all for you, my fair readers. All for you!

You’re welcome.

P.S. Because I know you are dying to know, my mattress topper is fab!  A little warm because it’s down, but lest ye forget, I live in Canada, so I just have to wait five minutes and it’ll be -375C. I think, though, that I’m going to return the pillows. They were so high and firm that I practically gave myself a broken neck due to my spine being in a 90 degree angle for eight four whole hours.  Can you even return pillows? I don’t understand how you’re supposed to test drive a pillow in the store since they refuse to let you lay down on the display beds? Quite the conundrum, if I do say so myself.

 

^ By which I mean thrice.

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This is NOT Rated PG-13

Warning: the photos contained herein are of a graphic nature. Of the human body. Sheild the eyes of those you love and whom you feel warrant protection. Should you object to this post, feel free to take it up with with the blog owner. I happen to know her and I think she’ll probably tell you to #shutit, but that’s just a guess. 😉

Remember that time when I was walking down Queen Street, minding my own business and I saw this?  Well, it happened again. Of course, it happened way back in June, but sometimes I like to go Back to the Future on my blog that way. Anyway. I was once again walking down Queen Street (which I do a lot, apparently), minding my own business (which I *also* do a lot, apparently), when I heard a commotion, looked up to see what was the matter and saw hundreds of people riding their bikes in what could only be described as organized chaos.  The chaos was, I’m guessing, likely because the riders were stark raving naked. Yes, that’s right — completely buck naked!  This is reason #4,281,369 why I love Toronto. I mean, where else can you walk down a city street while feasting your eyes on naked men and women with private parts flailing in the wind as they speed by? 

I’ll tell you where — apparently, in 24 other countries, that’s where. Yes, that’s right — you, too, can witness the World Naked Bike Ride in 24 countries, including, but not limited to, Latvia and Poland. According to the WNBR web site, they are a group of people, wacky Latvians included, who “face automobile traffic with [their] naked bodies as the best way of defending [their] dignity and exposing the unique dangers faced by cyclists and pedestrians as well as the negative consequences [they] all face due to dependence on oil, and other forms of non-renewable engergy.”  Yes, engergy. Snort!

WNBR

I’ve spent a fair amount of time trying to determine the significance of the added “g” (because what else do I have to do?), and here are a few guesses:

 Could it be a subtle dig at George Dubya, that evil, oil-hoarding, special-interest-group-harbouring, beat box-ing ex-president^? 

The same George Dubya who may cause us to lose life and limb just to line the greasy pockets of said oil-hoarding special-interest groups?!  😉

Mobil

Could WNBR be trying to educate the youth of the world and simultaneously promote Sesame Street?

Or could they be trying to imply that their fair readers are, in fact, gangsters, by subliminally asking “what up, g“? 

Whatever their reasoning, WNBR might want to spend a little more time proofing their frackin’ home page and less time riding around the world chafing up their privates.  Really, though, who am I to complain? I invite them to spend more time riding around the streets of Toronto. Because what single girl in the city *wouldn’t* want to feast her eyes upon this goodness?  Who, I ask…WHO?!

 June 13 018

Don’t you wish you lived in my head, too?

P.S. Apparently, I use the word apparently far too much when I’m tired and haven’t slept in fourteen nights. Apparently.

 

^ I am actually very fond of GWB. He is from Texas, after all. So before y’all fire up your Ford F-350 extended cabs and race off to the message boards, do me a favour and save it!

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Random This and Random That

I’m taking a small reprieve from writing about my Canadian adventures to bring you some information that will surely be vital to your well-being. And your livelihood. So read on!

  • Did you know that you can type more than 3,000 words just with your left hand? It’s true!  Thanks to the standard keyboard’s configuration, our southpaw has to do a disproportionate amount of work compared to our right hands.  Just try typing words like “exaggerate”, “stewardesses”, and “abracadabra”!  Gah!  By comparison, our right hand can type a mere 300 words on its own.  Apparently, typists in the 1870s worked so quickly that they frequently jammed their machines and, to slow them down, popular letters such as A, E, T, I, and N were separated on the keyboard.  Though improved technologies negated the need for the ineffective layout, the QWERTY keyboard remained. Which explains why my left hand continues to appear larger than my right hand, what with my lengthy blog postings and all. 😉
  • OMG! Texting rulz ur life! LOL! Kthxbai. — Americans send 35 billion — that’s BILLION with a B — text messages a day.  That’s a lot of sexting going on.  Ahem.  Actually, I’d guess that Canadians send equal that amount even though there are ten times fewer citizens here than in the States.  This is due, in my estimation, to the terrible, terrible wireless plans available here.  Or to the fact that we are holed up inside for eight months a year in face-paralyzingly cold temperatures and, well, how the heck else are we going to stay connected to the outside world?! The texting rage could also have been fueled, of course, when in 2006, the Prime Minister of Finland Matti Vanhanen, allegedly broke up with his girlfriend via text message.  Classy.
  • Sadly, my stack of mail has grown to almost 6″ high, as illustrated below.  You’ll note that it’s almost as tall as my iPhMail 001one.  When I grow up and become rich, I’m going to hire three people: a driver, a cook, and someone to sort my mail.  Everyone says that you can count on two things in life: death and taxes.  Well I say it’s three: death, taxes and mail.  It. never. stops. coming.  Sigh.
  • I finally stepped up to the 21st century and joined Yelp.   Actually, who am I kidding?  Three of my closest friends don’t even have Facebook pages and I can say that about them because they don’t read blogs either.  I guess I’m not such a degenerate Yelp luddite after all!  But I digress. Yelp is, in my opinion, a wicked cool site  to find, and post, user reviews on all sorts of things like hotels, restaurants, nail salons, etc.  It’s like Amazon, but for places instead of things.  Question: does anyone still use *actual* phonebooks?  Certainly I shouldn’t get the evil eye when asking for one stinkin’ paper bag at Loblaw’s, when YellowPages is killing billions and billions of trees each year printing their behemoths?!  Join Yelp, people, and let’s save our trees!  Oh. My. God. I just realized that I’ve turned into a tree hugger.  A real, live, Canadian tree hugger.  My SUV-driving, oil-swilling Texas friends will be none too happy. 
  • I saw this neon blue drink in the grocery store yesterday.  It’s a Quebecois brand called Fruité Electric Blue (I couldn’t provide a link because, oddly, when I googled the brand, I couldn’t find a site.  Weird).  I usually drink the fruit punch flavour TOAE 031because I like to inject pure sugar into my veins, but I’d not seen this colour before.  The blisteringly bright blue juice caught my eye as I walked past the shelf and when I looked closer, noticed that its flavour is apparently supposed to be a blend of orange and blueberry.  Not only does that sound like a strange combo to me, but why is the drink coloured electric blue?  Where’s the orange representation?  I guess the company didn’t want to make a drink that’s the colour of orange and blue combined because that would just be weird.  According to Photoshop, it would make brown and who the heck would want to drink a brown juice concoction?  Oh wait a minute…maybe the nine cajillion people who consume drinks like Coke, Diet Coke, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb, iced tea and other brown goodness at a rate of 945,235,012 per day?  Back to the R&D table, I think.
  • Poor Darth Vader. It’s bad enough that he lost his wife in childbirth, fought with his son, and embraced the Dark Side. Now it turns out that we continue to botch his most famous line.  According to a recent lovefilm.com survey, fans mess up The Empire Strikes Back quote — “No, I am your father” — more than any other.  We wrongly say “Luke, I am your father”.  Oh well.  At least Vader’s in good company.  We apparently also misquote other movie icons such as Hannibal Lecter (who, to this day, scares the bejeezus out of me) and Dirty Harry.  Without further ado, the other top misquoted movie lines:

             2) Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
                  Wrong: “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
                  Right: “Magic mirror on the wall…”

             3) Dirty Harry
                  Wrong: “Do you feel lucky, punk?”
                  Right: “You’ve got to ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, punk?”

              4) Casablanca
                   Wrong: “Play it again, Sam.”
                    Right: “Play it, Sam.”

              5) Silence of the Lambs
                    Wrong: “Hello, Clarice.”
                    Right: “Good evening, Clarice.”

              6) Star Trek franchise
                   Wrong: “Beam me up, Scotty!”
                   Right: Never used in film or TV series

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