Category Archives: Random

The Funny

Over the weekend, I googled a cat question that was something to the effect of “why do cats flick their tails” (yeah, I got a cat. I might get around to blogging about it before 2012 when the world ends. Anyway.). When I keyed in the word “why”, the first thing that came up was “Why can’t I own a Canadian?”. After I pulled myself up off the floor from laughing hysterically, I thought to myself “you know, why can’t I own a Canadian”? Is it against the law? Can an American not own foreign property? Do you have to say “zed” before they’ll allow you to own a Canadian? ūüėČ The answer to this question confounds me. Not to mention that, technically, I already own a Canadian. A feline Canadian, but a Canadian nonetheless.

There were some other great questions that came up, such as the third one: “why are Canadians afraid of the dark”, and, of course my personal favourite: “why is my poop green?”. Keep in mind that these are *actual* questions people asked the interwebs. Wow.

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Luck Be A Lady

Je suis gagnant! Yes, you read that correctly — I played my very first Ontario Lottery ticket and (spoiler alert) I won!¬†And¬†get to add¬†yet *another* Canadian adventure to my list. Sweet.

I’ve never really¬†been a gambler, even on the lotto,¬†primarily because in the States,¬†you give up¬†about 50% of your¬†winnings to Uncle Sam should you beat the odds^ and win. I mean, we’ve gotta pay for healthcare somehow^^.¬†Also,¬†because I don’t like taking my hard earned dollars and literally tear them up into pieces for no reason. But I digress. In Canada (or maybe just Ontario?), you get to keep 100% of your winnings, the very opposite of what you’d expect from this¬†exorbitantly taxed, but especially awesome, nation. So when I was ambling along on a recent weekend excursion and found¬†not one, but two loonies* on¬†two separate occasions, I figured it was my lucky day.¬†I marched straight into PetroCanada and¬†bought¬†$5** on LottoMax,¬†a ticket that would have netted me a cool¬†$42 million. Let me just pause here to say that I can think of about forty-two million things I could do with $42 million and none of them include the words a)work or b) 9-5. Ahem.¬†

As it turns out, it was my lucky day, but only $5 lucky, because I won a¬†free play. Still, free is free, so I have my fingers, toes, arms, legs, and eyes crossed that tomorrow night will be my big night! And if it is, I’ll take each and every one of you — my tens of readers — out for a lovely, lovely time. You can bet on it. ūüėČ
¬†[Ed.Note: the $5 quick pick I won yielded¬†four of the seven LottoMax numbers, so I won $20! I was so close to hitting five numbers, I could taste it — the fifth number I needed was 32 on my ticket and 33 on the draw.¬†So. Close.]
^ Odds that favour you getting struck by lightning over winning the lottery. Still, I remain undeterred!
^^ Wait a minute……. ¬†ūüėČ
* That’s a $1 coin for the¬†Americans.
** Each ticket is $5 here, though, so I only got one row of numbers. Bogus.

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Post-NaBloPoMo Depression

The collective¬†theme around here for the last 30 days was¬†all¬†NaPoBloMo, all the time. After posting every single day for 30 straight days, I may or may not have developed an unhealthy¬†attachment to my laptop. So today when¬†I was working¬† got home from work0 and started thinking about what I was going to blog about, I began to shake violently when I realized that the jedi-mind trick I thought I was having was fo realz — I didn’t have to blog. ¬†And I immediately fell into the motherlode of all depressions, ran to my laptop and banged out¬†this post. I guess coming down is always the hardest part. ūüėČ

Normally, there’s a monthly NaBloPoMo “theme1“, but thanksbeto the blogging gods, there was no¬†theme for November, thus allowing me to¬†flaunt my wicked blog posting skills and write about¬†my adventures2 in Canada. I know it’s probably awkward that you¬†tuned in today to find zero posts about the¬†blogging¬†madness, but on the off-chance you¬†haven’t heard, I’m not NaBloPoMo-ing¬†this month.¬†For good and valid reasons3. Good and valid reasons¬†I’m¬†going to share with you¬†like right frickin’ now!

1) I’m far too busy posting pictures of my shoes. And, what’s more, too busy buying shoes of which to post pictures.

2) Two words: December sweeps. (So help me, NBC, if you break up Pam and Jim.)

3) Reading all of your blogs. My Google Reader is seriously on fire.¬†I mean, we all can’t participate in NaPoBloMo or there’d¬†be no time to read all¬†the mind-blowingly¬†spectacular words filling¬†up the intertubes, so I’m taking one for the blogging team this month. You’re welcome.

4) Laundry. There is simply nothing witty to say about laundry.

5) Cooking! I have a plethora of¬†recipes to test out and even have a¬†new folder in my inbox called¬†“Recipes” (that¬†should really be entitled “What¬†I did¬†before I blogged”).

6) Speaking of cooking, watching Everyday Italian. Giada makes¬†the most amazing¬†dishes. And my friend J, with whom I watch, is Italian so he’s all, “Let’s get back to my roots!” And, I’m all, “Let’s be honest here, we’re both watching this show because she has great boobs.” And he’s all, “Word.”

7) (Still) Reading Infinite Jest because,¬†NO,¬†I didn’t finish it in November as planned.¬†And, FINE, I think what I have read so far is so tedious and intense that my brain has been nearly¬†blown to bits.¬†But I will finish it, damnit, so I can at least rant about it¬†with¬†some¬†amount of validity.

8.) Finding new and clever ways to get my parents drunk out of their minds so when I bring up the possibility of their purchasing me a few pairs of Tory Burch¬†ballet flats, they’ll slur “shuuure” instead of “woman, we are not a bank”.

9) Trying to master Photoshop¬†because all of my¬†Christmas gifts are going to be framed photos of Toronto. Sorry if you were holding out for an iTouch or a tea cosy.¬†I have a shoe obsession to fund and¬†debt to chip away at, which brings me to…


11) Re-designing my¬†blog. It’ll be done by [redacted]. (I know, you’re thinking about the¬†Infinte Jest timeline promise,¬†aren’t you? Why do you hate?!)

12) Living my life, by which I mean going out, socalizing, and bringing sexy back, all of which require oodles and oodles of time.

13) And,¬†really, I post like all the damn time anyway. For me,¬†it’s all about the quality and not the quantity. But don’t worry — I’ll be reading and commenting¬†as often as I can on all of your lovely everyday posts, because I admire each and every one of you. Even more so when¬†I’m able to give all the tools in the nerd kingdom a rest for, like, five minutes and when it’s not 3am¬†and I have to work the next day¬†after staying up all night blogging and reading¬†about things like¬†Tiger’s escapades5¬†until the wee hours of the morning.¬† Your point? ūüėČ

0 After I saw Julien Smith at Third Tuesday Toronto. One word: hawt. Yes, please.
1 For example, December’s theme is “mitzvah”, which, although I’m not Jewish,¬†assume means “giving”. Each day you’re supposed to do something nice for someone and blog about it. As if. ūüėČ
2 By which I mean nothing in particular, thank god.
3 By which I mean¬†“lazy”. ¬†If you’re thinking to yourself, Yeah right,¬†we all know she’s going to spend the entire month watching Veronica Mars reruns, you’d probably be spot on.
4 Because, you know, if you win the lottery in Canada, you pay ZERO tax on it. Can you believe that? On the 1 in 142 million chance that you actually win the lottery, you get 100% of the winnings! Forget that you pay 75% of your income in taxes the rest of your life…if you win the lottery, you pay nothing! Reason #476 to live in Canada, n√≥n? ūüėČ
5 For shame.

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This Post Is Like a Britney Spears Song: Incoherent And Rambling (Day 29)

Time to pack away the turkey roasters and pumpkins and, if you’re like my family,¬†pull out¬†the 578 bins of Christmas decorations: December is upon us. Ah, December: that month-long foray into¬†complete mayhem consisting of parties, parties and more parties;¬†family gatherings with crazy Aunt Bess who won’t stop asking when you’re *finally* going to settle down; more¬†shopping¬†than you can possibly accomplish in a mere¬†30 days; and more eating and¬†drinking than any human being should ever attempt.¬†I’m already booked for the next two weeks solid at which time I’ll pack my suitcase once again and head to my most favourite city in the entire¬† universe, New York City, to celebrate my birthday. I’ll be a mad woman traversing the burrough, squeezing in¬†shopping, eating¬†excellent edible material, traipsing the Met,¬†and dancing around to a musical or three (Hair and Next to Normal, here I come!).

Post NYC, I’ll unpack and repack once again to head to Houston for the holidays about which I am quite excited, because nothing says “holidays”¬†like cranking up¬†the¬†A/C¬†on¬†Christmas morning. ūüėȬ†Jokes.

Before I take off on my jaunts, though, I’m doing some cool things in T.O. this week that I’ll try to recap when I have a free moment, by which I mean during the six hours a night I should be sleeping.¬†All I can say is thanksbeto¬†Steve Jobs¬†for the WordPress iPhone app.¬†

Рseeing Thomas Keller speak and having his new Ad Hoc at Home cookbook signed
Third Tuesday Toronto to see Julien Smith speak (!)
Junior League Christmas party
– Yelp’s Elite Christmas party that’s Mad Men-themed!
– Going to a Christmas tree farm and cutting down a tree for the very first time! And getting my nog on afterwards.
– An¬†always fabulous iYellow Wine Club event called “Happy Birthday South Africa” at Reds Wine¬†Bar
– Company Christmas party, but, more importantly, the after party. ūüėČ

Clearly, I need a lifestyle manager.

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Can’t Blog. Shopping. (Day 27)

Ten bucks if you can spot me (hint, hint). If, however,¬†you have vision troubles and¬†are unable to find¬†me ;-), you’ll at least get an¬†idea of where I am. Where I am¬†is likely in front of Tarzhay1 somewhere in¬†the city of Chicago, freezing my bum off and¬†likely having just been trampled trying to acquire¬†that $49 50″¬†flat panel TV of which they likely had only two. ūüėČ Wish me luck.

1 By which I mean the most *amazing* store on the planet, Target.

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Apparent Signs Of Loneliness (Day 25)

I *should* be packing for my trip to¬†Chicago, but instead, I’m blogging, damnit,¬†because when I say I’m gonna do something, I do it! Anyway.

Of our five senses, the one that can change my emotions¬†more quickly than any other is my¬†sense of smell (also,¬†when I see hot guys, but¬†I digress). To this day, certain smells bring back memories of specific¬†times in my life and even particular¬†moments in time¬†or physical buildings, in some cases.¬†I have an absolute love affair with¬†candles. In fact, I¬†have a candle closet in my house1. I am *all* about changing my candles out either seasonally: lotus flower, peony, lily, gardenia, jasmine, lemon or grapefruit for Spring; green apple, orange blossom, berry, or¬†cucumber for Summer; clary sage, pumpkin, ginger, or¬†persimmon for Fall; and fig, star anise, balsam, frasier fir,¬†or¬†red currant for Winter. With the exception of a few days during the summer when it’s hot2, I always have a candle burning. They just make me a very happy (and¬†calm)¬†girl.

Which is why¬†I was¬†so utterly disturbed by what I recently heard.¬†I was at a party when¬†I overheard someone say that “girls who burn candles are¬†lonely. Candles are the new cat”. Ex-squeeze me? A-Baking powder?¬†If that’s true, on both counts, I’m totally f****d, what with my candle closet, and near cat¬†adoption¬†and all. I wonder if there’s any truth to this? Could¬†I be¬†lonely and just not¬†know it?! I certainly don’t ogle¬†my candles like I would¬†a guy, nor would I try to become, shall we say,¬†intimate with my candles. Can we all say¬†“3rd degree burns”? I certainly don’t support this theory, but it’s out there, circulating around the world and unfairly labeling me¬†all the single ladies! As if.

1 Check the photo, yo.
2 By which I mean 24C/78F

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Let’s Bowl, Let’s Bowl, Let’s Rock and Roll! (Day 17)

Today, I did something¬†I haven’t done in at least¬†15 years — I went bowling. I know it may be hard to believe that it’s been such a long time,¬†what with my youthful,¬†fresh faced good looks and all, but don’t be fooled; I shall be turning another year older in less than a month, and¬†I will now be able to say I’ve bowled with the help of computerized scorekeeping,¬†as opposed to¬†my prior bowling experience where¬†we kept score with rocks and chisels. Anyway.¬†

My team¬†went bowling as an exercise in futility¬†teambuilding, and teambuilding it was, as in “I’ll beat your azz¬†with my mad strike skills” or “If you don’t send me that deck1 post haste,¬†I’m going to whack you upside your head with this¬†giant ball”.¬† Speaking of bowling euphemisms, I¬†may or may not have committed a serious¬†freudian slip when I uttered¬†“man, I reeeally don’t want¬†to touch¬†these dirty balls2“. But that’s neither here nor there.

There are 17 people on my team, but only¬†three of¬†the female persuasion, so, of course, we had¬†some serious girl power to spread and representin’ to accomplish.¬†I’m happy to report that I, along with my fierce female colleagues,¬†scored some serious¬†pointage and bowled surprisingly well. We even¬†beat most of the boys (natch). Think perfectly straight lines down the lanes and and breaking 100.¬†In fact, it would probably be fair to say¬†that my bowling skills¬†brought¬†all the boys to the yard.

As an aside, I do¬†not recall bowling being quite so strenous. I’d guess that’s because I was just a wee tyke the last time I partook in the activity, but¬†I nearly threw¬†my back out today. Sadly,¬†I was¬†one of the youngest people in the joint3, too. So if you’ll excuse me,¬†I’m going to go cuddle my soaker tub along with¬†about twenty-two gallons4 of epsom salts. ūüėČ

1 I’ve been using the¬†word “deck” since¬†the wayback machine that was my first job out of university. The top of a ship, it does not mean, although I could not locate a single actual definition of the word “deck” in business, so I’ll define it for you: it means “powerpoint presentation”, as in “decks of cards”, or “decks of paper”, as it were.
2 I said it due to the pig flu going around. I did, damnit!
3 True story. There was a group of seniors next to us bowling the everliving daylights¬†out of the ball and I’m not joking when I tell you that they were at least 70. God bless ’em.
4 Or, for my Canadian friends, about 82.5 litres of epsom salt goodness.


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