Category Archives: Random Things

This IS Rated PG-13

iPhone 009So, remember that time when I was walking down Queen Street minding my own business and, lo and behold, saw crazy people on bikes? And then that other time when I was walking down Queen Street minding my own business and saw even crazier people on bikes, but completely naked?  Well, guess what? It happened to me again!  True story. Only this time, I wasn’t walking, but was on the streetcar and I wasn’t on Queen Street, but was on Spadina *near* Queen Street. Crazy, nón? And this time, they weren’t on bicycles, but were on skateboards. And, sadly, they weren’t naked, much to my chagrin.

I had been navigating the shark-infested waters  streetcars of the Toronto Transit Corporation after a very long day of walking, shopping, and free massage-getting (i heart you, universal healthcare!), when I finally found a place to sit on the eternally-crowded, I’m-going-to-grow-out-of-clothes-waiting-for-the-g******ed 510 streetcar. I had just purchased a new mattress topper and two new pillows, and for those of you thinking “why would you buy those things knowing you had to lug them all the way home?” — I’ll tell you, I asked myself the very same question with full knowledge that I’d have to tote them all the way home from Yonge and Bloor to my house near Front and Spadina.  Those kinds of ludicrous decisions are what happen when you haven’t slept a full night in, oh, about fourteen days and are desperate — DESPERATE — to get a full night’s sleep. But I digress.

So I was squashed into my tiny seat with my two pillows and my giant bag containing the mattress topper, when I heard a bunch of cars honking theiriPhone 010 horns on the other side of the street. When I looked up, I saw about 1,000 kids crazies skateboarding up Spadina through the cars and the traffic!  For the uninitiated who have never been on Spadina near Chinatown on a Saturday, take note and heed this advice — don’t do it. You will lament the days you owned a car because your car will overheat from the sheer amount of time you sit on Spadina waiting to move just an inch. Anyway. So all these horns were honking at all these kids skateboarding up the street and I thought “ooooh, if this was in Houston, there’d be some serious back-up grabbing right now! But alas, none of the drivers looked angry; rather, they were all smiling, rolling down their windows to W00T!, and laugh at the entire incident. Well, at least they were where I was. The mo-rons driving on the other end of Spadina on a Saturday afternoon were probably grabbing their back-ups due to their anger at the traffic in which they were trapped, but I just didn’t see them.

I think it’s funny that I randomly see all of these street goings-on all the time^.  Luckily, I always, always, always have my camera with me, and, now that I’ve welcomed myself to the 21st century by joining the iCult, I also have that electronic device with which I can capture all of this Toronto street goodness, too!  I do this all for you, my fair readers. All for you!

You’re welcome.

P.S. Because I know you are dying to know, my mattress topper is fab!  A little warm because it’s down, but lest ye forget, I live in Canada, so I just have to wait five minutes and it’ll be -375C. I think, though, that I’m going to return the pillows. They were so high and firm that I practically gave myself a broken neck due to my spine being in a 90 degree angle for eight four whole hours.  Can you even return pillows? I don’t understand how you’re supposed to test drive a pillow in the store since they refuse to let you lay down on the display beds? Quite the conundrum, if I do say so myself.

 

^ By which I mean thrice.

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This is NOT Rated PG-13

Warning: the photos contained herein are of a graphic nature. Of the human body. Sheild the eyes of those you love and whom you feel warrant protection. Should you object to this post, feel free to take it up with with the blog owner. I happen to know her and I think she’ll probably tell you to #shutit, but that’s just a guess. 😉

Remember that time when I was walking down Queen Street, minding my own business and I saw this?  Well, it happened again. Of course, it happened way back in June, but sometimes I like to go Back to the Future on my blog that way. Anyway. I was once again walking down Queen Street (which I do a lot, apparently), minding my own business (which I *also* do a lot, apparently), when I heard a commotion, looked up to see what was the matter and saw hundreds of people riding their bikes in what could only be described as organized chaos.  The chaos was, I’m guessing, likely because the riders were stark raving naked. Yes, that’s right — completely buck naked!  This is reason #4,281,369 why I love Toronto. I mean, where else can you walk down a city street while feasting your eyes on naked men and women with private parts flailing in the wind as they speed by? 

I’ll tell you where — apparently, in 24 other countries, that’s where. Yes, that’s right — you, too, can witness the World Naked Bike Ride in 24 countries, including, but not limited to, Latvia and Poland. According to the WNBR web site, they are a group of people, wacky Latvians included, who “face automobile traffic with [their] naked bodies as the best way of defending [their] dignity and exposing the unique dangers faced by cyclists and pedestrians as well as the negative consequences [they] all face due to dependence on oil, and other forms of non-renewable engergy.”  Yes, engergy. Snort!

WNBR

I’ve spent a fair amount of time trying to determine the significance of the added “g” (because what else do I have to do?), and here are a few guesses:

 Could it be a subtle dig at George Dubya, that evil, oil-hoarding, special-interest-group-harbouring, beat box-ing ex-president^? 

The same George Dubya who may cause us to lose life and limb just to line the greasy pockets of said oil-hoarding special-interest groups?!  😉

Mobil

Could WNBR be trying to educate the youth of the world and simultaneously promote Sesame Street?

Or could they be trying to imply that their fair readers are, in fact, gangsters, by subliminally asking “what up, g“? 

Whatever their reasoning, WNBR might want to spend a little more time proofing their frackin’ home page and less time riding around the world chafing up their privates.  Really, though, who am I to complain? I invite them to spend more time riding around the streets of Toronto. Because what single girl in the city *wouldn’t* want to feast her eyes upon this goodness?  Who, I ask…WHO?!

 June 13 018

Don’t you wish you lived in my head, too?

P.S. Apparently, I use the word apparently far too much when I’m tired and haven’t slept in fourteen nights. Apparently.

 

^ I am actually very fond of GWB. He is from Texas, after all. So before y’all fire up your Ford F-350 extended cabs and race off to the message boards, do me a favour and save it!

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Random This and Random That

I’m taking a small reprieve from writing about my Canadian adventures to bring you some information that will surely be vital to your well-being. And your livelihood. So read on!

  • Did you know that you can type more than 3,000 words just with your left hand? It’s true!  Thanks to the standard keyboard’s configuration, our southpaw has to do a disproportionate amount of work compared to our right hands.  Just try typing words like “exaggerate”, “stewardesses”, and “abracadabra”!  Gah!  By comparison, our right hand can type a mere 300 words on its own.  Apparently, typists in the 1870s worked so quickly that they frequently jammed their machines and, to slow them down, popular letters such as A, E, T, I, and N were separated on the keyboard.  Though improved technologies negated the need for the ineffective layout, the QWERTY keyboard remained. Which explains why my left hand continues to appear larger than my right hand, what with my lengthy blog postings and all. 😉
  • OMG! Texting rulz ur life! LOL! Kthxbai. — Americans send 35 billion — that’s BILLION with a B — text messages a day.  That’s a lot of sexting going on.  Ahem.  Actually, I’d guess that Canadians send equal that amount even though there are ten times fewer citizens here than in the States.  This is due, in my estimation, to the terrible, terrible wireless plans available here.  Or to the fact that we are holed up inside for eight months a year in face-paralyzingly cold temperatures and, well, how the heck else are we going to stay connected to the outside world?! The texting rage could also have been fueled, of course, when in 2006, the Prime Minister of Finland Matti Vanhanen, allegedly broke up with his girlfriend via text message.  Classy.
  • Sadly, my stack of mail has grown to almost 6″ high, as illustrated below.  You’ll note that it’s almost as tall as my iPhMail 001one.  When I grow up and become rich, I’m going to hire three people: a driver, a cook, and someone to sort my mail.  Everyone says that you can count on two things in life: death and taxes.  Well I say it’s three: death, taxes and mail.  It. never. stops. coming.  Sigh.
  • I finally stepped up to the 21st century and joined Yelp.   Actually, who am I kidding?  Three of my closest friends don’t even have Facebook pages and I can say that about them because they don’t read blogs either.  I guess I’m not such a degenerate Yelp luddite after all!  But I digress. Yelp is, in my opinion, a wicked cool site  to find, and post, user reviews on all sorts of things like hotels, restaurants, nail salons, etc.  It’s like Amazon, but for places instead of things.  Question: does anyone still use *actual* phonebooks?  Certainly I shouldn’t get the evil eye when asking for one stinkin’ paper bag at Loblaw’s, when YellowPages is killing billions and billions of trees each year printing their behemoths?!  Join Yelp, people, and let’s save our trees!  Oh. My. God. I just realized that I’ve turned into a tree hugger.  A real, live, Canadian tree hugger.  My SUV-driving, oil-swilling Texas friends will be none too happy. 
  • I saw this neon blue drink in the grocery store yesterday.  It’s a Quebecois brand called Fruité Electric Blue (I couldn’t provide a link because, oddly, when I googled the brand, I couldn’t find a site.  Weird).  I usually drink the fruit punch flavour TOAE 031because I like to inject pure sugar into my veins, but I’d not seen this colour before.  The blisteringly bright blue juice caught my eye as I walked past the shelf and when I looked closer, noticed that its flavour is apparently supposed to be a blend of orange and blueberry.  Not only does that sound like a strange combo to me, but why is the drink coloured electric blue?  Where’s the orange representation?  I guess the company didn’t want to make a drink that’s the colour of orange and blue combined because that would just be weird.  According to Photoshop, it would make brown and who the heck would want to drink a brown juice concoction?  Oh wait a minute…maybe the nine cajillion people who consume drinks like Coke, Diet Coke, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb, iced tea and other brown goodness at a rate of 945,235,012 per day?  Back to the R&D table, I think.
  • Poor Darth Vader. It’s bad enough that he lost his wife in childbirth, fought with his son, and embraced the Dark Side. Now it turns out that we continue to botch his most famous line.  According to a recent lovefilm.com survey, fans mess up The Empire Strikes Back quote — “No, I am your father” — more than any other.  We wrongly say “Luke, I am your father”.  Oh well.  At least Vader’s in good company.  We apparently also misquote other movie icons such as Hannibal Lecter (who, to this day, scares the bejeezus out of me) and Dirty Harry.  Without further ado, the other top misquoted movie lines:

             2) Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
                  Wrong: “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
                  Right: “Magic mirror on the wall…”

             3) Dirty Harry
                  Wrong: “Do you feel lucky, punk?”
                  Right: “You’ve got to ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, punk?”

              4) Casablanca
                   Wrong: “Play it again, Sam.”
                    Right: “Play it, Sam.”

              5) Silence of the Lambs
                    Wrong: “Hello, Clarice.”
                    Right: “Good evening, Clarice.”

              6) Star Trek franchise
                   Wrong: “Beam me up, Scotty!”
                   Right: Never used in film or TV series

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